BIG 'OL SPIDER!!!
I don't make this stuff up!!!!
It's darned near 1am, Sunday night, Monday morning, whatever. I was getting ready for bed, after being up way later than usual. I move my pillow and right before my eyes appears the biggest spider I've seen since Brazil. It was the size of a silver dollar. It's leg span was like, as wide as a deck of cards, I think. It was HUGE! I froze. I didn't know what to do. It was too late to call on a man, in particular, the man who owns this house. There was no one but me. I had to solve this problem of the humungous spider on my bed.
So I stared at it for a good 10 minutes, hoping it wouldn't run and hide. Then I would have to find it or else never be able to sleep. I tiptoed to a large piece of wood I had and held it in my hands. I was going to kind of trap it and spray it with the bug spray I use for my roach infestation - (I hear your shocked silence. I actually don't have roaches, but my house IS overrun with Stink Bugs, those awful little beetles taking over the East Coast, yuck).
After 5 more minutes of thought, it didn't seem like a good idea to saturate my bed, the place where this asthmatic chic sleeps, with poison. I needed another plan. I was probably going to have to smash the thing. If you know me, you know I don't believe in smashing the life out of things. I just feel so bad for the little souls I just killed, I really cannot do it (except for mosquitoes. I kill those demons with a quickness, with no guilt or anything but triumph. You should be thanking me for all the mosquitoes I have prevented from biting you).
So, staring at the spider, I knew I had to muster the strength, the courage, the gumption to smash the thing with this board.
I counted to 5 but I wasn't ready. I counted to 7 (to give myself a little more time) but I was still too scared. What if I missed and it jumped on me and bite my nose? What if it was poisonous and then I would be paralyzed and no one would know I was in trouble for a day or two? I could die! What if I missed and it runs and hides and I would try to find it but it hides really well. Then, when I would be too tired to search any longer, I would fall asleep and the evil spider would come out and exact his revenge on me (though something tells me this spider was female).
I was scared. But I counted to 5 once more, help my breath, and firmly placed the board on the spider that was on the bed. I pressed down hard, but still not sure it was dead. Have you ever thought you smashed a bug only to release the magazine or newspaper to see the bug escape and fly away? I couldn't take that chance.
So, while holding down the board, I quickly and carefully took the fitted sheet off the bed and wrapped it around the board and ran, while squealing just a little bit, to the bathroom. I threw everything in the bathtub. After a minute or so of catching my breath due to all the excitement, I slowly removed the board, afraid that the spider would leap out at me any minute. It didn't. So, I ran the water and soaked the sheet, hoping it would try to escape so that I can spray it and wash it down the drain. I saw nothing.
I started to worry that he/she escaped without my seeing it. That would be bad. How would I ever get to sleep if that happened?
I got a rod to poke at the sheet, hoping to coax it out. Nothing. Finally I used my hands to manipulate the sheet and eventually the ugly thing turned up, on its back or whatever that part of the body is, dead as can be.
I was so happy. I ran the water till it reached it and it floated down the stream of water and into the drain. I covered the drain opening up just in case it wasn't dead and planned on returning to exact its revenge on me.
I was so happy and proud that I evicted this unwanted tenant all by myself. Did I tell you that I loathe bugs?? I really really hate them. If God is this dude who asks questions about my mistakes after death, I am telling you now, I am not answering anything till I get explanations as to the existence of certain bugs, like roaches, mosquitoes, gnats and stink bugs. I get spiders, after all, they do eat mosquitoes, but they simply cannot live with me.
Now I AM off to bed, but fear that I will wake up often, fearing the spider's spirit has come to torture me....
It's darned near 1am, Sunday night, Monday morning, whatever. I was getting ready for bed, after being up way later than usual. I move my pillow and right before my eyes appears the biggest spider I've seen since Brazil. It was the size of a silver dollar. It's leg span was like, as wide as a deck of cards, I think. It was HUGE! I froze. I didn't know what to do. It was too late to call on a man, in particular, the man who owns this house. There was no one but me. I had to solve this problem of the humungous spider on my bed.
So I stared at it for a good 10 minutes, hoping it wouldn't run and hide. Then I would have to find it or else never be able to sleep. I tiptoed to a large piece of wood I had and held it in my hands. I was going to kind of trap it and spray it with the bug spray I use for my roach infestation - (I hear your shocked silence. I actually don't have roaches, but my house IS overrun with Stink Bugs, those awful little beetles taking over the East Coast, yuck).
After 5 more minutes of thought, it didn't seem like a good idea to saturate my bed, the place where this asthmatic chic sleeps, with poison. I needed another plan. I was probably going to have to smash the thing. If you know me, you know I don't believe in smashing the life out of things. I just feel so bad for the little souls I just killed, I really cannot do it (except for mosquitoes. I kill those demons with a quickness, with no guilt or anything but triumph. You should be thanking me for all the mosquitoes I have prevented from biting you).
So, staring at the spider, I knew I had to muster the strength, the courage, the gumption to smash the thing with this board.
I counted to 5 but I wasn't ready. I counted to 7 (to give myself a little more time) but I was still too scared. What if I missed and it jumped on me and bite my nose? What if it was poisonous and then I would be paralyzed and no one would know I was in trouble for a day or two? I could die! What if I missed and it runs and hides and I would try to find it but it hides really well. Then, when I would be too tired to search any longer, I would fall asleep and the evil spider would come out and exact his revenge on me (though something tells me this spider was female).
I was scared. But I counted to 5 once more, help my breath, and firmly placed the board on the spider that was on the bed. I pressed down hard, but still not sure it was dead. Have you ever thought you smashed a bug only to release the magazine or newspaper to see the bug escape and fly away? I couldn't take that chance.
So, while holding down the board, I quickly and carefully took the fitted sheet off the bed and wrapped it around the board and ran, while squealing just a little bit, to the bathroom. I threw everything in the bathtub. After a minute or so of catching my breath due to all the excitement, I slowly removed the board, afraid that the spider would leap out at me any minute. It didn't. So, I ran the water and soaked the sheet, hoping it would try to escape so that I can spray it and wash it down the drain. I saw nothing.
I started to worry that he/she escaped without my seeing it. That would be bad. How would I ever get to sleep if that happened?
I got a rod to poke at the sheet, hoping to coax it out. Nothing. Finally I used my hands to manipulate the sheet and eventually the ugly thing turned up, on its back or whatever that part of the body is, dead as can be.
I was so happy. I ran the water till it reached it and it floated down the stream of water and into the drain. I covered the drain opening up just in case it wasn't dead and planned on returning to exact its revenge on me.
I was so happy and proud that I evicted this unwanted tenant all by myself. Did I tell you that I loathe bugs?? I really really hate them. If God is this dude who asks questions about my mistakes after death, I am telling you now, I am not answering anything till I get explanations as to the existence of certain bugs, like roaches, mosquitoes, gnats and stink bugs. I get spiders, after all, they do eat mosquitoes, but they simply cannot live with me.
Now I AM off to bed, but fear that I will wake up often, fearing the spider's spirit has come to torture me....
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